Opinion Satire

6 Tips for Parking at Holy Family

Welcome back to campus, and more importantly, our beloved parking lot!

With the shift from virtual back to on-campus learning, there has been a lot of criticism about the parking situation, which senior Ashley Dolt has likened to, “the hunger games of parking.” Luckily, I have some tips and tricks to secure a spot for those extra busy days.

 1.) Get to campus early—We all know that parking anywhere can take a while, so you should give yourself enough time to look for a spot. For example, if you have a dreaded 8 am, get there at 8 pm the night before and sleep in your car! This is a great way to beat the morning rush and get a night patrol job with campus security. Your family might miss you, but at least your professor will realize your dedication to their class.

Sleeping in your car is a great alternative to getting to HFU a few hours early. Hanging out in the campus center or the library might cause your classmates to think you’re weird or some sort of nerd who wants to get good grades and learn something. Sleeping in your car has a quiet dignity to it.

2.) Carpool with a friend or family—Find some friends in your classes and see if you can get a ride with them! This reduces the number of spots taken in the lot. If they can’t find a spot either, just have them let you out of the car! That way, finding parking is their problem while you get to further your education.

If no one wants to carpool with you, see if a parent can give you a ride to school. Make sure they block traffic when they drop you off right in front of the steps, and take your sweet, sweet time getting out of the car! Your time is much more important than the 25 cars waiting behind you.

3.) Circle the lot a few times—Patience is a virtue, and sometimes that’s all it takes to get a parking spot. While inconvenient, going around the lot a few times may secure you a spot. After polling students, it was found that 5-7 times around the parking lot will almost, maybe, quite possibly guarantee a spot on campus.

Some suggest circling the campus lot when classes are switching, as spots will open up. While I understand the sentiment, this might make you seem desperate, which can be off-putting to your peers.

4.) Find other places to park—While Stevenson Lane has some additional parking, everyone knows that the faculty lot is the premier place to park. Just lie to campus security and say you’re a TA! What are they gonna do? Check?

Pro tip: While in the faculty lot, jiggle the handles of cars until you find an unlocked one with a red parking pass. These are faculty parking passes. Secure one of these and you’ll never have to worry about parking again! Dr. Fic’s pass is down for the count as I already stole it, but I’m willing to auction it off to the highest bidder.

Another hidden gem is the Nazareth High School parking lot. Invest in a uniform and park there! This also applies to Nazareth Grade School. Those brats don’t even have licenses, let alone cars to park.

5.) Use force—PSA: My sister is a cop and she said it’s okay for me to suggest this!

No one likes a bully, but some sternness can guarantee a spot. For example, call the police and tell them you suspect something suspicious in your ex’s car! This will cause their car to get impounded and a spot will open up.

This guarantees you a spot on campus and lets everyone know that you’re not messing around about your schooling!

6.) Admit defeat—Just go home. Tell whoever you live with that class got canceled and go home. Don’t look at me like that. You’re not better than me. We’ve all done it. You can admit it. Just take your car and your little parking pass and go home.

I hope these tips are as helpful to you as they were to me! Thanks for reading and here’s to a great semester. Go Tigers!

Brooke Berner is a fourth-year Secondary Education and English major.